Dali/Apparition of the Face of Aphrodite
Today I turn 22. 22: the year that many finish college but I have only finished a little over a year. At the moment I don’t attend because I don’t have the right support: not merely the financial support but the emotional/psychological support, which is infinitely more necessary. Maybe one day I will earn a degree. I honestly don’t know why since I don’t feel it will help me with my career goals at all but it certainly would feel good to say “I did it!” If I could earn my degree I would have a double major in philosophy and some other useless subject I enjoy, like art or literature or art history or something of the sort.
What are birthdays good for? Change. You turn a year older, hopefully become a little bit wiser.
I think my therapy is finally starting to kick in.
My diagnoses that are the result of my past are borderline personality disorder, PTSD and major depression. I hate the BPD label because it is the most stigmatized mental condition there is and many therapists won’t treat BPD patients even though they need therapy the most. A pretty much identical diagnosis to BPD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but it is rarely diagnosed because it isn’t an official diagnosis in the DSM, unlike BPD. I prefer to use CPTSD over BPD because it takes the blame away from me, my “personality,” and instead places it where it should be: complex trauma. I think that my BPD/CPTSD diagnosis can be seen pretty well via the internet: you can tell by my thoughts and behavior. It is interesting because in real life I rarely interact with people thus they typically have no idea about my history: but over the internet I am able to voice my thoughts so people are able to recognize my thought patterns.
It is a shame that BPD is so stigmatized because BPD people are some of the most sensitive, caring, intelligent and gifted people on this planet. Some people with extremely mild abuse develop BPD and some who are severely abused do not. Yes, not everyone who is severely abused develops BPD: it takes a special kind of person to develop this disorder. In order to develop BPD a person must be very emotionally sensitive; they must be “gifted” in this way, they must be a “highly sensitive person.” Otherwise, the disorder cannot develop. I’ve read that people who are not sensitive can develop BPD but I know that isn’t true: it is impossible to develop BPD unless you are highly sensitive because BPD is truly nothing but being extremely emotional. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) stated, “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” I think it is fair to say that all “borderlines” are gifted in some way.
BPD can also only develop in childhood. Adults, no matter how badly abused, cannot develop BPD. They can develop PTSD but since their “personality” development is already complete the development of BPD is impossible. Abuse must begin at an early age, typically a very early age, typically severe abuse, in order for BPD to develop.
In my opinion BPD and autism have nothing in common and I honestly don’t understand the argument of those that say they do. My trauma based disorders (BPD, PTSD and depression) are completely separate from my autism disorder (Autistic Disorder without mental retardation a.k.a High-functioning Autism/HFA). People with ASDs can develop trauma based disorders just like people without ASDs since people with ASDs are, first and foremost, people. Sometimes I’ll read the argument that a person cannot have an ASD because they also have a psychiatric disorder such as BPD. That, of course, is simply beyond ignorant. I also hate to read that people with autism don’t experience certain types of behavior as “abuse” because of their autism. I remember reading a book once by an autistic person who stated that she didn’t experience some of what had happened to her as “abuse” because of autism and therefore the abuse didn’t effect her. That is completely ludicrous. To me that says: “It’s okay to abuse an autistic person in this way because it doesn’t effect them anyway.” I can’t speak for any other autistic person but all abuse effects me just like a non-autistic person. I may express and experience the symptoms differently than a non-autistic person but it still effects me. Just because an autistic person rejects her parents, doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want anyone to intrude upon her world, doesn’t mean that the parents can neglect the child, abuse her and that the autistic person won’t be damaged. The autistic person will be damaged because autistic people are people.
I have been seeing my therapist for ten months now but have only seen him about six times. Currently I see him once a month although he desires to see me on a weekly basis or more. But, being a shrink, he knows that you must move incredibly slowly with someone that has a history such as mine or nothing can ever truly be accomplished.
“…you avoid words of love like the plague and pretend you don’t hear.” I remember reading this in the excellent book I read recently April Witch. I think that this is something that is very true in my own life.
I try my hardest to keep everyone at a distance, especially those who have the potential to care about me the most. I’ve been hurt the most by people who were supposed to love me the most so it is better to have no one love you at all and to keep those with that potential the furthest away from you. The best way to do this, of course, is to act like a complete bitch and I think I’ve accomplished this goal pretty well: not many people seem to want to be around me at all. Mission accomplished.
If anyone via the internet thinks they get it bad from me be glad you are not my therapist. I don’t know how he does it. Well, I do know: he is trained in this sort of thing, obviously. He knows to take nothing personally, to never judge, because all of my rage is not directed at him personally but at those who have hurt me. I have a male therapist, too. An older (in his 50’s) male therapist so you can imagine the type of transference he gets from me yourself. I wouldn’t trade him for the world though because he truly is an excellent therapist, no matter how much I may fear him.
Transference. I hate transference. If a person has a history like mine and attacks someone that he or she has never truly talked to or even knows well chances are that he or she is acting out “transference.” “Love at first sight” is almost always transference. Transference can go both ways, from the most negative feelings to the most positive. Typically the targets of my transference, whether positive or negative (in my case, usually negative), somehow reminds me of those who have hurt me because that person may have the potential to hurt me again and my defenses unconsciously operate, which typically means keeping that person as far away from me as possible (re: by being a complete bitch). Males, especially very kind males in some sort of position of power or authority, father and mother figures are all potential transference subjects. Do I really hate them? Of course not. You cannot hate a person unless you actually know them and I don’t truly know the people I attack the most so it is impossible for me to hate them: my behavior is the result of transference.
This has been a completely unconscious motivation until very recently. And by “recently” I mean like two days ago, literally. Most therapists avoid patients like me because I just “ooze” with transference potential, as do most with my history, which is a shame because people like me are the ones that need therapy the most. It is very difficult to deal with transference because not everyone can recognize it, not even those who are supposed to. Not all therapists are trained to understand the complex process of transference and only end up further damaging the patient in their attempts to help through their counter-transference. Some therapists take a patient’s transference personally, that what they project onto the therapist is actually about the therapist him or herself and not about people in the patient’s past. In people with a history like mine transference happens in all relationships, not merely with the therapist, although transference is typically strongest with the therapist. And, of course, this is why one goes to therapy: to discover the unconscious motivations for their behavior and to stop them. Transference is never a “choice” because it is completely unconscious: to state that a person with a history such as mine can “choose” to act a certain way is like telling a person with no legs that they choose to be unable to walk. It is only a “choice” once the person has recognized and understood the unconscious motivations behind their behavior and chooses to change them.
People with a history such as mine often put on a “false self” so that no one can truly know their true self: to expose your “true self” would make you much too vulnerable, especially if your true self is inherently kind, sensitive and good because that is the type of person that is abused the most and most easily. Most people via the internet seem to think of me as a complete bitch, understandably. In reality, I am anything but: I am actually unusually sensitive and kind but it is much too easy to take advantage of someone like that. Better to keep others at a distance and the only way to do that is to be a bitch. Kindness draws people towards you and hatred drives them away. Don’t be nice because then people will only abuse you (again.)
People with a history like mine often end up being “revictimized.” What does this mean? It means unconsciously seeking out other similar people and situations from your past and being further abused. Most of us don’t even think we deserve love: most of us think all we deserve is abuse. Love is painful because love is associated with deep hurt: best to avoid this. Stick with people who abuse you because you know it won’t hurt you as much as love, because it is all you know and understand. Most of us even have the option of leaving when we are in a situation where we are being revictimized. But many of us don’t. We stay with those who abuse us and drive those who are kind to us far, far away because we think that keeps us safe.
“Splitting” everyone and the world into all good and all bad is another very effective way to keep you safe. Almost nothing in the world if black and white: almost everything is in shades of gray. But when you see the world in black and white you think you are able to keep yourself much safer: any tiny problem and/or disagreement and the person/object is automatically seen as all bad. You keep bad people/things away from you. But, believe it or not, two people can disagree about some things and still be friends, one or two people do not represent an entire group and a person can do things that are wrong but still be a good person overall.
The person we most often “split” is ourselves: one day we are evil and worthless, the next we are competent and capable. We are competent and capable until we notice a very small problem and then we become evil and worthless again, hence why we are in this state 99% of the time.
The defense of “splitting” can only occur if a person is abused at a very early age and it usually must also be severe. All young children, two to three year olds, “split” the world in this way but they later reach appropriate developmental stages if they are not abused. When a person is abused at this age they remain in this developmental stage until proper treatment is sought or they die.
Perhaps I am finally ready to let a couple of people into my life, people who are kind and understanding and have been through horrible times themselves.
Most people with a history such as mine are first put into group therapy with others who have had similar pasts. The patients are finally able to start to relate and trust others that have had horrible experiences themselves: the patients can only relate and begin to trust others with similar pasts because they know that they won’t hurt them, they understand their behavior and they feel the same way they do.
But having autism makes group therapy impossible for me. Due to my autism I am completely unable to participate in group therapy, at least in real life. I’ve never participated in “group therapy” over the internet so that may be different but I’ve never experienced anything like it so I have no idea.
People like me first start with others like me: it is easiest to trust them. Then, eventually, you move onto to others.
But it first starts with others like you.
One day you’ll reach out and you’ll discover that you truly had nothing to fear. The positive experience will further your healing and you will begin to trust more until, eventually, you have nothing to fear. You might think that it will be difficult to find others who have been through horrible things such as yourself but sometimes they are right under your nose.
So, happy 22nd birthday to me: another year older, another year wiser.
(And yes, I took an Adderall and drank two Diet Cokes before I wrote this post).
